


Newlyweds

by thesaltydragon, UnfortunatelySux



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Drinking, Fluff, M/M, Married Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 11:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesaltydragon/pseuds/thesaltydragon, https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnfortunatelySux/pseuds/UnfortunatelySux
Summary: Jared and Evan Hansen have recently returned from their honeymoon, and Evan's mom wants to come visit. Unfortunately, Evan doesn't know how to monitor his alcohol intake.





	Newlyweds

Jared woke up to the sound of Evan's phone ringing. He grumbled, rolling over in bed to shake the still sleeping boy in question. “Ev, phone,” he muttered, voice rough with sleep.

Evan was jostled awake. The loud ringing filled his ears instantly. He sat up blearily, leaning over his new husband to reach the phone on the bedside table. He tapped accept, saying a groggy “Hello?” to his mother on the other end. 

His mother’s voice rang out loud and clear. She’d obviously been awake for a while. “Evan, honey, were you asleep?”

Evan put the call on speaker. “Maybe,” he said, yawning. “Say hi, Jared.”

Jared let out a sleepy hum, shifting over to wrap his arms around Evan's waist. “Hey, Heidi.”

Evan smiled. Heidi’s voice came back through the phone. “I woke you boys up? I can call back later, dear, it’s not urgent. You need your rest. Honeymoons are a lot.”

Evan shook his head even though she couldn’t see him. “It’s fine, Mom. What did you need? Doesn’t matter how urgent it is.”

Heidi hesitated, leaving a moment for Evan to wonder if she’d hung up on him. She spoke: “I was just here thinking about you two and how you’re finally out on your own, a married couple.” She said the last part with teasing in her voice. “And here I am, your only mother, and I haven’t even been to your new house! You’re back from Paris, and have I even seen you once?”

Evan grimaced toward Jared. She sounded upset. “Sorry, Mom, we’ve been busy with the house stuff.” He knew that wasn’t enough. “D-Did you want to come over for a visit?”

Heidi answered immediately. “I’ll be there at five this afternoon.”

Jared smiled, looking up at Evan. He contemplated telling Heidi that the house stuff wasn't really what had kept them so busy, rather it was the fact the he couldn't seem to keep Evan out of bed for more than three hours at a time. He was wild. But, Jared loved him. “We’ll make you dinner and everything!” This could be fun! Jared liked Evan's mom.

It wasn’t Evan’s fault that he was stuck in Honeymoon mode. “Dinner! Yes! And we can just talk, yeah? Like old times!” Dinner? They had almost no real food. What was Jared thinking?

Heidi sounded delighted. “Perfect! I love you boys! Sorry to wake you! I’ll see you later!”

“Love you, too, Mom,” Evan said, another yawn creeping its way through his jaw. He went to hang up, but Heidi already had. 

Jared smirked up at Evan. “House stuff, huh?”

“We’ve been unpacking still!” Evan defended. They’d unpacked one box in three days. 

Jared snorted, pulling Evan closer. “Yeah, only because every time we start you get horny.”

“You conditioned me to! Every few hours for two weeks, Jared, my body’s used to it!”

Jared laugh, pressing a kiss to Evan's exposed side. “You aren't a dog, Evan. I haven't trained you to want sex every three hours. You just have the hormones of a teenager because we waited until the honeymoon for our first time.”

“I think it’s a combination,” Evan complained. He flipped over to face Jared better. “Don’t get mad at me because I wanted to wait.”

Jared pressed a lazy kiss to his lips. “It's fine. I didn't mind. And I especially don't mind how much stamina you've been working up lately.” He winked.

Evan gulped. “Do you think we could get some more sleep in if we tried?” He didn’t want to talk about sex. It would make him want it more. 

Jared hummed, glancing at the clock. It was already 12. “Probably not. We need to go grocery shopping so that I can actually make dinner. Need to get a shower first.” He sighed, crawling out of bed and stretching. He started towards the bathroom door but paused halfway, looking back at Evan with a quirked eyebrow. “Coming?”

Evan sighed. “I’m coming,” he said, throwing his legs around the edge of the bed and standing up, following Jared into the bathroom. He wished they could have gotten some more sleep. 

Jared smirked at him, kicking the door shut and turning on the water to warm up. “Guess we're gonna have to sate your libido before your mom gets here, huh? Good thing our shower is big.”

“Reason number four that we bought this house, remember?” Evan put two towels on the rack. “Hate to say this, but can we hurry this up? We need to make everything perfect for my mom.”

Jared snorted, giving Evan a pointed look. “You want me to get you off fast? I can definitely get you off fast, Evan. I've learned _a lot_ in the past two weeks.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Get in the shower, Jared.” He held the shower door open. 

———-

Jared pushed the cart down the aisle, Evan following behind like a nervous child trying not to get lost. “Should we get alcohol? Is that a thing adults do?”

“My mom likes wine,” Evan offered, sticking close to Jared. “I think she also likes liquor, too, though.” He forgot they were old enough for that sort of thing. It seemed like they were still kids. 

Jared snorted, turning their cart to head towards the alcohol section. “Who knew Heidi liked to fuckin’ party?”

“What did you think?” Evan winced as they approached the aisle. “This feels illegal.”

Jared gave his husband a funny look. “Evan, we’re 24 years old and married. We're allowed to buy cheap whiskey and some red wine.”

“I still feel guilty. Can I wait in the car while you check out?” Evan was frowning, clearly distressed. 

Jared stopped, turning away from the cart to hold a hand out to Evan. “C’mere, babe.”

Evan didn’t move. “What are you doing?”

“Comforting you, now come here.”

“In the middle of the store?” Evan questioned, nonetheless walking toward him. 

Jared wrapped an arm around Evan's waist, pulling him into his side. “We're married. They have a problem with it they can go suck a dick.” He leaned up to kiss Evan softly. “I promise we'll be fine.”

Evan bit his lip, but nodded. “O-Okay, sorry. We can get the- drinks now.”

Jared retracted his arm, grimacing internally. He didn't sound much better. He grabbed two random bottles off the shelf, dropping them into the cart along with their food. “Hey, do you wanna use the self checkout? We can see which one of us can fit the most stuff in one bag.”

Evan couldn’t hold back a laugh. “You’ll win again, just like always.” Evan was usually too afraid to put too many things in one bag. He’d had things rip holes in the bags before, and that was always humiliating. For extra measure that he was okay, however, Evan grabbed Jared’s hand to interlace their fingers, helping him guide the cart one-handed. 

Jared grinned, heading them towards the check-outs. “Hope your mom likes pasta. We got a lot of it.”

“She does,” Evan assured. “And I know you do, so leftovers aren’t a problem.”

Jared grinned giving him a thumbs up. “Gotta maintain the muffin top somehow!”

“You’re cute, don’t stop eating pasta.” Evan pushed the cart to the left, heading down to an empty self-checkout kiosk. 

Jared grinned, leaning over to give his husband a quick peck on the cheek. “Why, Mr. Hansen, keep making those comments and I might start to think you're trying to seduce me. I'm a married man, you know.”

Evan, in his 24-year-old grown adult voice, giggled in the middle of the grocery store. “Of course I’m not, Mr. Hansen. I happen to have a wonderful husband myself.”

Jared laughed, beginning the process of scanning their groceries. “He's a very lucky man, then.”

“Is he? Maybe I’m the lucky one.” Evan got some items from the cart and put them in the area for scanning. 

Jared paused to peck Evan's lips again. “Look at us- being married, buying groceries, getting ready for a visit from your mom- we’re almost acting like _adults_.”

“Don’t remind me,” Evan grumbled. “It’s terrifying.” He helped put the scanned groceries in bags to speed up the process. He was beginning to feel a little anxious despite the fact that they were using the self service. 

Jared laughed again, shrugging. “We should get a cat.”

Evan frowned. “You know I’m afraid of cats.”

Jared pouted. “What if we get a really tiny baby one. Those ones aren't scary!”

“They grow into the scary ones! And I could sit on it. That’s not good.”

Jared rolled his eyes, pulling out his wallet to pay for their stuff. “A conversation for another time, honey.”

\----------

Evan sat on the counter as Jared retrieved the cooking materials in order to prepare for their dinner with Heidi. A lot remained packed, so really, Jared was unpacking them for the first time. Evan munched on an apple from the store in the meantime. He never was a brilliant cook. “Are we having dessert?” Just like him to think ahead, especially about chocolate. 

Jared hummed, reaching around Evan to grab one of the bags of groceries that was sitting behind him. “Sure, what do you want?”

“Don’t we have brownie mix?” Evan really had chocolate on the mind. 

Jared nodded, pulling out the pots that they had somehow managed to unbox at some point. “Sure do, sweet cheeks. Brownies it is.” He stretched up on his toes, wordlessly asking for a kiss.

Evan scoffed in faux annoyance and leaned down to kiss his husband. “Perfect,” he said, offering a small smile. “Should we make sure the...alcohol is good?”

Jared shrugged, turning back to the stove. “We can check it out in a little bit, why don't you go unpack a little so that it doesn't look like we're squatting here. Maybe just some of the important stuff.”

“I thought we already got the important stuff,” Evan complained. He wanted to watch Jared in his element cooking happily. 

Jared quirked an eyebrow, smiling softly. “Is watching me cook _really_ that interesting?”

“Yes!” Evan cried. “And sometimes you bend over,” he muttered. 

Jared let out a surprised yelp, grinning widely. “ _Evan_ , you dog!” He laughed happily, pulling out a rogue wine glass that had been shoved in the plate cupboard accidentally. “Alright, fine. Try the wine and tell me if it's any good, yeah?”

“Oh, shut up. I’ll try the wine.” Evan grabbed the glass and took the bottle from the bag it had remained in since they’d checked out at the store. He popped it open and shakily poured a small amount in the cup for tasting. 

Jared nodded, making sure to bend over purposefully as he rummaged for their measuring cups. “Calm down, Ev. It's just like the French stuff.”

Evan’s eyes didn’t leave Jared’s form. “I doubt it’s just like it.” He took a sip. 

Jared straightened up slowly, casting Evan a glance over his shoulder. “Same idea. Minus the dicks.” He gave himself a pleased smile when he saw Evan's eyes glued to his back.

“Psh,” Evan dismissed. He found himself downing the rest of the wine without thinking. God, he really was still in honeymoon mode. He’d forgotten to actually taste it, so he poured just a little more. 

Jared began filling one of the mid sized pots with water from the sink, not paying attention to Evan's enthusiasm with the wine. “Just saying, Ev. You really went ham with the red in that last week.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Why do you keep making fun of me for being careless on my honeymoon?” Evan drank the glass down. 

Jared rolled his eyes, even though he knew Evan couldn't see. “I'm not making fun of you, I’m just saying that you’ve developed a bit of a habit of not monitoring your drink intake.”

Evan scoffed. “I have not.” Was he pouring a third glass? He couldn’t be. This must have been his first. 

Jared slid the pot onto the stove, turning up the heat. “Whatever you say, man.” He glanced at his watch. “Your mom is gonna get here in, like, an hour.”

“It’s been that long?” Evan hadn’t kept track of the time. They had less than he’d thought. “How much have we still got to do?”

Jared shrugged, turning around to pluck the wine glass out of Evan's hand and take a sip. “The food should only take about forty five minutes.” He handed the glass back to Evan. “Damn, that wine is kinda strong, huh?”

“Is it? I can’t really tell.” Evan poured himself some more so he could test Jared’s theory. Taking a long swig, he shook his head. “I don’t think it is.”

Jared eyed him, blinking. “Just take it slow, Ev.”

“Jare, what are you talking about?”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “How much have you drank already?”

“Just a couple sips!”

Jared eyed him suspiciously, but didn't argue. “Whatever you say, Hon.”

Evan scoffed. “I know what I’m doing. Just make those brownies.”

\--------

Evan did not know what he was doing. This much was obvious about thirty minutes later as he giggled and babbled drunkenly, much to Jared's chagrin. 

“Jare,” Evan drew out, like a child asking for candy with a prolonged ‘please’. “Just one more kiss, please? I won’t ever ask for another one!” He’d already made that promise six times. He’d also drank most of the wine. 

Jared sighed, rolling his eyes. He pressed a gentle kiss to Evan's lips, pulling away to shoot him a displeased look. “Are you seriously drunk 30 minutes before your mother gets here?”

Evan’s once giggly demeanor suddenly turned fearful. “Mom’s coming?! What for?” He couldn’t keep his face straight, however, as he immediately burst into more giggles. 

Jared groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “How are you like this?”

“Like what?” Evan inquired, curious. 

“Evan, please go drink some water.”

“I’m not thirsty,” he slurred. 

“Of course not,” Jared rolled his eyes again, bending down to peer into the oven and check on the brownies.

“Are you making food?” Evan asked for the second time. 

“Yes, Evan.”

“Why?”

“Because.”

“Hot.”

Jared looked over his shoulder in confusion. “Hot?”

“Mmm, you’re hot.” Evan rested his chin in his hand, elbow on his knee. 

Jared blushed slightly, straightening up and turning to Evan again. “What? Where did that come from?” Hadn't they been talking about food?

Evan laughed. “Dunno, ask your parents.”

Jared sighed, pulling Evan down off the counter. “Just- please tell me you aren't horny right now.”

Evan only giggled, saying nothing. He nearly fell when he got to his feet, but caught himself by falling conveniently into Jared’s arms. 

Jared softened slightly, pausing to give the man in his arms a quick kiss. He couldn't help it! He was just so cute, even if he was drunk.

Evan giggled innocently, but stopped. “Wait. My mom’s coming over,” he slurred. 

Jared sighed, carefully helping Evan into the living room and settling him down on the couch. “Wait here.” He turned around, heading back into the kitchen to fetch some water to try and sober him up at least a little.

Evan sat alone on the couch, his knees held close to his chest. “I miss you!” he called to Jared after about seven seconds. 

Jared couldn't help but smile to himself as he heard Evan, his heart melting slightly. He didn't respond as he quickly grabbed a cup, filling it with ice and water. He shuffled back into the living room.

Evan’s eyes lit up as Jared returned. “What’s that?” he asked, pointing to the cup. 

Jared pressed it into his hands carefully. “It's your healthy juice. Drink up.”

Evan looked it over. “It’s gonna make me healthy?”

Jared nodded, giving him a reassuring grin. “Uh huh.”

“Super duper.” Evan drank a good bit of it. “Tastes like water.”

“It's water flavored.”

“That makes sense.” Evan finished the cup with ease. “You had some, too, right?” he slurred, setting the cup on the floor, instantly knocking it over and not bothering to pick it up. 

Jared yelped, instantly dropping to his knees to clean up the spill. “Yeah, I did.”

“Perfect!” Evan squeaked. “I love you!” He watched Jared on the ground. “You look like you need a kiss.”

Jared laughed, looking up at Evan. “Do I?” Drunk Evan was kind of fun, honestly.

“Yes!” Evan insisted. “I do too!” What a convenient coincidence. 

Jared smiled, giving him a faux perplexed look. “If only there was some way to fix that, huh?”

Evan matched Jared’s expression, but his was serious. “Just kiss me!”

Jared gasped. “But I'm married!” He held up his hand in emphasis, pointing to his ring.

Evan’s face turned disappointed. He gestured to his own, matching ring. “Shit, so am I.”

Jared hummed, trying to keep a straight face. “Well damn. Now what are we supposed to do?”

“I-I don’t know,” Evan slurred, his eyes genuinely sad. 

Jared hummed again, carefully setting the cup aside and moving to sit next to Evan. He dropped a hand on his knee looking up at him with a small grin. “Good thing we happen to be married to each other, huh?”

Evan’s eyes narrowed. “Wait…” He immediately brightened. “Jared!” He instantly hugged him. “I missed you!”

Jared laughed, running his fingers through Evan's hair as he hugged him back. “I missed you too, buddy. How are you feeling?”

Evan thought for a long moment. “Hungry.”

Jared opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. Shit. To top it off, he heard the oven beep urgently. Double shit. “Evan, I know I'm gonna regret this, but please go get the door while I take the brownies out.”

“Aye-aye, Cap’n!” Evan giggled, standing up and dizzily walking over to the door. 

Jared sighed, hurrying into the kitchen.

Evan opened the door a crack, peeking outside. He threw it the rest of the way open when he saw who it was. “Mom!”

Heidi was smiling. “Hi, dear,” she said, stepping in without a direct invitation. “Where’s your husband?” she teased, poking Evan in the chest. 

“I don’t know!” Evan laughed. 

Heidi chuckled along in a little bit of confusion. “The kitchen, then?”

“Maybe!” Evan laughed again. 

Jared called out to them. “I'm in here, Heidi!”

Heidi nodded to herself. “The kitchen’s back there, then?”

Evan shrugged. “Probably.”

“Aren’t you going to show your poor mother around your new house?”

“Oh!” Evan said incredibly loudly compared to his previous volume. “Yeah!”

Heidi made a weird face, but didn’t say anything about Evan’s behavior. “Now?”

“Sure!” Evan yelled. He pulled his mother into the kitchen. 

Jared set the tray out to cool, turning as the pair entered. “Hey,” he greeted, giving Heidi a wide grin. “I'm so sorry about him, he got into the wine before you got here.”

Heidi’s smile didn’t falter. “I figured something was up. You got my son drunk?” she teased. 

Evan didn’t say anything. He spent his time staring at Jared like he hadn’t seen him in years. 

Jared laughed, waving to the forgotten wine bottle and discarded glass. “Actually, he managed it all on his own. There's still some left, I think, if you want some. Probably better for you to have it than him.”

Heidi nodded. “I don’t think he needs any more for a while.” She put her hand on Evan’s shoulder. He looked at her happily. 

Jared pulled out two more wine glasses, pouring some of the remaining wine for him and Heidi. He handed her one of the glasses, moving back to grab Evan's discarded glass. Knowing he would complain about not also getting a drink, Jared rinsed it out quickly, instead filling it with ice water. He grabbed grabbed the wine bottle in one hand, his and Evan's glasses in the other. “Come on, Ev, Why don't we show our honored guest to the Dining room.”

Evan nodded enthusiastically. “Right!” He pulled his mother off to the table. 

Heidi called back over her shoulder to Jared. “How’d he manage to drink this much on his own?”

Jard sighed lightly. “He got really good at it in Paris. Helped him calm down.” Jared sat the glasses down at the table, guiding Evan into one of the seats and handing him his water. “How have you been, Heidi? I'm sorry we haven't come visit or anything. But you're welcome here anytime!”

Heidi nodded, sitting down. “I know. I’m not trying to burst in, or anything. I’ve been fine. Work is work. How are you and Evan settling in?” She had wanted to ask her son this, but he clearly wasn’t in the position to answer anything. Currently he was trying to drink his water like a dog. 

Jared cast a glance at his husband. “Really good! Unfortunately we're gonna have to start back at work soon. Bills and adult stuff, gross.” 

Heidi rolled her eyes. “Oh, don’t get me started. I’ve been at that for decades. Never gets easier, hate to break it to you.” 

Evan stopped lapping at his water. “We have to go to work?” He sounded extremely disappointed. 

Jared nodded. “One day, Evan. One day.”

Heidi only raised an eyebrow, sipping her own wine. 

Evan pouted. “Work is hard. A squirrel bit me once at work!” At least that was true. He _had_ been provoking it, though. 

Jared snorted, shaking his head. “I know, honey. You called me crying and asking if your hand was gonna have to be cut off.”

“It should have been!” Evan defended. His mother laughed from across the table. 

Jared just chuckled, turning back to Heidi. “I don’t know about you, but I’m getting hungry. Want some mediocre homemade pasta?”

Heidi laughed again. “Jared, you know I love your pasta. Of course I’d like some.” She had taken to reaching over and rubbing Evan’s back to calm him. He’d started breathing fast. 

Jared smiled bashfully, turning to scurry back into the kitchen and garb the large serving bowl of pasta, along with the normal bowls and forks. He teetered back into the Dining room, carefully dropping the serving bowl into the middle of the table. He passed out the bowls and forks before shuffling over to Evan’s side. “Ev, are you hungry?”

Evan stared at him as Heidi got herself a helping. “Of course I’m hungry! I’ve only eaten an apple today!” His voice was high and worried, as if he thought Jared wouldn’t let him have any food. 

Jared shushed him with a soft hand on his cheek. “Calm down, Babe, I just meant do you feel nauseous from all the wine?”

“I only had a sip!” 

Jared sighed, grabbing the serving spoon and Evan's bowl, portioning some out for him. He placed the bowl in front of him, bending down to kiss his forehead before sliding back into his own seat. “Don't be shy, Heidi, We’re all Hansens now. Have some more!”

Heidi shrugged to herself and put more pasta in her own bowl. She sat back down swiftly. “True,” she said. “Jared Hansen.” She nodded. “Nice.”

Evan scooted his chair away from Heidi and toward Jared. He slid his bowl and glass over, too. “I like Jared Hansen!”

Jared kissed his cheek, looking back at Heidi apologetically for Evan moving away from her. “Yep, that's me. Wouldn't change it for the world.”

Heidi started eating, unfazed by Evan’s behavior. She’d seen it before. 

“You’re the best!” Evan had somehow managed to switch his and Jared’s glasses, whether on purpose or a drunken mistake. It didn’t matter, because now, he was drinking Jared’s wine. 

Jared yelped, swatting Evan’s hand lightly. “Evan Hansen! Bad! That's not yours.” He grimaced slightly. “Sorry, but I guess he isn't gonna sober up anytime soon. Dunno how much mother-son time you’ll be able to get out of him tonight.”

Evan had managed to swallow a third of Jared’s drink. “Rude.”

Heidi put her fork down. “Oh, it’s fine. He’ll feel bad about it tomorrow and make another plan for us to talk within the week.” She spoke with certainty, as if she knew exactly what she was talking about, and she did. 

“You're definitely his mother,” he laughed, stabbing some pasta with his fork. He turned to Evan, holding up the fork carefully. “Open,” he urged, moving towards his mouth. Since he didn't seem to be interested in feeding himself anytime soon, Jared would just have to do it for him.

Heidi sat calmly, pretending not to notice Jared and her son. 

Evan immediately opened his mouth, winking at his husband. 

Jared fed him casually, occasionally stopping to eat some for himself. “He's such a child sometimes, huh? Like a big lovable baby.”

“Who, Batman?” Evan said around a bite of food. Heidi only laughed to herself, still trying to stay out of their business, whether Jared was talking to her or not. 

Jared's face went blank. “Evan. Just eat the pasta.” He shoved another fork full into his husband's mouth.

Evan made a muffled noise, but ate it obediently. “I love you,” he slurred, seemingly having forgotten his mother was even there. 

“I love you too, Ev.” Jared hummed, sipping on what was left of his wine. “He's an emotional drunk,” he informed, shrugging to Heidi.

Heidi nodded. “He’s an emotional person,” she said, “but this brings it out in an...interesting way.”

Evan didn’t seem to notice they were talking about him. “Jare, can we go to bed early tonight?” he asked, making sure Jared saw him wink. 

Jared jolted, choking on his food. He coughed harshly, looking to Evan. “Evan! Your _mother_ is here! Don't talk about that stuff right now!”

Evan looked at his mother, who was obviously very focused on her pasta and bowl. “She doesn’t care. I’m gonna sex you up.”

Jared yelped, swatting Evan's shoulder. His face warmed as he turned to Heidi. “Oh my God, Heidi, I'm _so sorry_. He usually isn't this… _forward_.”

Heidi kept her gaze on her bowl. “I heard nothing! I did not hear a thing!” She’d definitely have to talk to Jared’s mother about this. There was no way she could keep it to herself, plus, Mrs. Kleinman needed a good laugh. 

Evan held his shoulder in faux pain. “Pay attention to me!”

Jared huffed. “Excuse me for a second, please.” He turned in his seat to face Evan, dropping a hand on his shoulder to hold him still as he pulled him into a deep kiss. He sucked on his lower lip, swiping his tongue over it before pulling away. “There,” he panted slightly. “I gave you attention. Now eat your food.”

Evan only looked back at him with more desire in his eyes. “You’re hot,” he slurred. One of his hands fell down to Jared’s thigh under the table. The other hand held his chin up as he stared at his husband with a lovestruck grin. 

“Thanks.” He poured himself some more wine, downing it.

“Gonna be even hotter in bed tonight.”

“Wow, suddenly I wish I had grabbed the whiskey before coming in here.” Jared purposefully ignored Evan, hoping the lack of response would deter him.

Evan’s hand traveled higher up Jared’s thigh. “I want whiskey!”

Jared's face reddened further. “Um, Heidi, I hate to ask this of our guest, but would you mind going to get it from the kitchen? It should be right on the counter. I think both of us could use something a bit stronger than wine right now.” He continued to ignore Evan.

Heidi looked up. “Hm? Oh, of course, dear, happy to.” She stood up and wandered into the kitchen, lingering to give the boys some alone time. 

Evan shook Jared’s leg. “Don’t ignore me!”

Jared ignored him.

Evan started to cry.

Jared cracked. “Ev, no, don't do that, I’m sorry. Look, I’m paying attention now, see?”

“You hate me,” Evan accused, choking back a drunken sob. “You really hate me.”

Jared shook his head, cupping Evan's face in his hands. “I don't! I love you! I love you lots, Evan. More than anything.” He kissed him lightly to reconfirm his statement.

“You- you won’t even let me sex you up!” Evan wailed. 

Heidi stayed in the kitchen. 

Jared sighed, wiping at Evan's tears with his thumbs. “Ev, your mom is here. I'm sure she doesn't want to see that. Just wait a little while, okay?”

Evan frowned. “I might just die.”

Jared laughed, kissing Evan's nose. “You won't die.”

“Probably will.” Evan tried to use Jared’s fork to feed himself, but he dropped it. “Shit.” He slid out of his seat and onto the floor, crawling under the table to retrieve it.

Jared frowned, but didn't say anything.

Evan crawled around, searching for the utensil. 

Heidi walked back in, holding the bottle. She assumed Evan had gone to the restroom. “A handful, huh?” 

Jared took a deep breath, letting it out in a long sigh. “You're telling me,” he grumbled. Why did Evan have to get drunk? Especially right before his mother came over.

Heidi sat down after giving the whiskey to Jared. “He was a wild toddler. You’ve seen the videos. All over the place.” She sighed. “Cute, though.”

Jared nodded solemnly. “He's still exactly the same.”

“And you _picked_ him. Stuck with him.” Heidi shook her head in mock shame. “Poor you.”

Jared grinned, uncapping the whiskey and taking a swig. “It has its perks,” he shrugged, passing the bottle across the table.

Heidi grabbed the bottle. “I’ll drink to that.” She did as Jared had. “He’s the best son I could ask for, obviously.”

Evan was still under the table. He was about to stand up when he became completely enthralled by Jared’s legs. After a moment of playing with the fork, he dropped it again and put each hand on one of Jared’s legs, pushing them upwards.

Jared tensed, breath becoming shallow. What the hell was Evan doing? At least he wasn't crying or yelling obscene things. Jared figured he would be fine under there for now. He did, however, take a slightly larger than necessary drink of the whiskey this time. He winced slightly at the burn. He passed it. “So, how's it been without him there? Have any wild parties lately?”

“Oh, I haven’t really been home much. Work, you understand. When I am, it’s just...lonely. Sad.” Heidi hadn’t meant for her answer to be upsetting. She grabbed the whiskey bottle and took a swig, not even flinching. 

Evan’s hands stopped near Jared’s pelvis. He scooted himself between Jared’s knees. Slowly, he began moving his thumbs down to a place Jared wouldn’t be happy about. 

Jared's breathing picked up even more. “Oh? I'm, uh, sure you can find _something_ to do in your free time?” His voice had come out much higher and more questioning than he had intended.

Heidi raised an eyebrow at Jared’s tone. “I have been trying to get into gardening. Evan left behind some of his old books, and it _looks_ easy, but I don’t see how he kept so many plants alive for so long.”

Evan’s fingers inched closer.

Jared laughed awkwardly, clearing his throat. “Yeah, I have, uh, no idea how he does it. Everything I touch just d-dies.”

“That tree he has over by your couch? That’s eleven years old! How the hell?” Heidi laughed at her own inability to understand her son. 

Evan’s eyes narrowed as his hands met his target. 

Jared yelped, trying to cover it up with a cough, but his voice still came out strained. “He n-named it, y’know?”

Heidi put her fork down. “He did? Spare no details! I didn’t know that!”

Evan increased pressure.

“He c-calls it Dustin!” Jared's leg twitched, moving to try and lightly push Evan away without hurting him. He didn't succeed. “He, uh, likes to talk t-to it a lot.”

Heidi laughed before her smile faltered. “Are you all right? You seem jumpy. I’m sure Ev’ll be back soon.” 

Evan didn’t stop. 

Jared bit his lip harshly. “Um, I-I’m fine! Just, Uh- I hate to cut this visit short, but I should p-probably g-go take care of him! Um, you can always come back in a couple days when he's sober!” Jared felt bad about basically kicking Evan's mother out, but his drunk husband was currently palming his dick under the table, and Jared wasn't sure how much more he could take before he cracked.

Heidi blinked. “Yeah, no, definitely. I’d rather be here when he’s actually sober, anyway. Sorry to make you waste your time. He seems to have other things on his mind.” She winked, never one to shy away from implications. Standing up, she wiped her mouth with her napkin. “Thanks for this, anyway, Jared. And tell Evan I said so, too, once he’s back to himself.”

Jared just nodded, giving her a slightly pained smile. “C-Can you find your way out okay?”

Heidi nodded. “It’s that door there, right?” She pointed to the front door. 

Jared nodded back. “Be careful, get home safe, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Heidi said. “Nice pasta, by the way.” With that, she was gone. 

The second the door closed Jared was roughly shoving his seat back, hauling Evan to his feet. He smashed their lips together, kissing him harshly. “Evan, You're drunk. We can't have sex when you don't have a clear mind. I would be taking advantage of you.”

Evan’s pants were already gone. “ _Jared_ ,” he whined. 

Jared looked down at Evan's exposed legs. “When the _fuck_ -”

Evan said nothing, but connected their lips sloppily. Everything felt so numb; he wanted to feel something. 

Jared reciprocated, fingers pressing into Evan's hips. He couldn't give him what he wanted, not while he was so clearly intoxicated. Even if he knew that Evan would probably still want to if he were sober-- it wouldn't be right. He pulled away with a pant. “How about,” he breathed. “You go lay down, and I’ll make you feel good. Or maybe I’ll give you a show.” Jared wasn't sure what he was going to do. “We can try something new.”

Evan pouted. His eyes were dilated with desire and inebriation. Eventually, he agreed. “Fine,” he said. He’d completely forgotten his mother had been there not minutes ago. 

Jared carefully led his husband back to their bedroom. He climbed onto the bed, settling down right in the middle, legs out. He pulled his glasses off, setting them on the table. “Okay Evan. You can do whatever you want to me. Anything. Rules are, I can't touch you. Okay?” Would this work?

Evan’s eyes flashed with a hint of lust. He nodded. “Sounds great,” he slurred. 

Jared rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling slightly. This boy would be the death of him.

\-------

Evan was sprawled out on the bed, deeply sleeping. He’d only gotten tired by midnight, and had only acted upon it at two in the morning. He was exhausted, but he didn’t know. He hadn’t woken up. He also didn’t know he had the worst hangover of his life. 

Jared hummed to himself as he put away the dishes. He, unlike Evan, had woken up a couple hours ago and decided to clean up a bit. Once the kitchen was free of clutter and trash, he searched through their boxes until he found their stash of medicine. He grabbed the extra strength Tylenol and a glass of water before heading back to the bedroom. 

He closed the door behind him, setting the pill bottle and water down on the bedside table before perching himself on the edge of the bed. He paused to take in Evan's state- totally naked and dead to the world, not a worry on his mind. Jared bit his lip, pulling out his phone to snap a quick picture (just the top half of Evan's body, he didn't need any nudes saved to his camera roll right now) before gently shaking Evan. “Ev, hey, it's time to get up.”

Evan didn’t move, but he groaned as his subconscious was giving way for his consciousness. “No,” he said plainly, his face in the pillow, so his word was muffled. 

Jared snickered, leaning down to lay himself across Evan's back. “You have to, Sweets, sorry.”

Evan was confused by the feeling on his bare skin. Or, rather, that Jared had touched his bare skin. Was he not wearing a shirt? “No,” he said louder, a headache coming on. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “I'm not asking, Ev.” He grasped Evan's shoulder, roughly rolling him over so that he was laying prone before grabbing his arms and hauling him up into a sitting position.

Evan groaned the whole way up, only opening his eyes when his head started really throbbing. “Jeez, what happ– Where are my clothes?” Last time he’d woken up not remembering how he’d gotten naked, it was because Jared had tried to wake him up on their honeymoon in a ‘new way’. 

Jared just grabbed the Tylenol, handing Evan three pills and then the glass of water. “You got smashed in celebration of your mother coming over.”

Evan took the items. “Wait, I what? I need a little more explanation here.”

Jared gave him an unimpressed look. “You didn't listen, when I said to be careful with the wine. You drank like two thirds of it before she even got here.”

“Of my glass?” Evan took the pills without question. 

“Of the bottle.”

“You’re joking.”

“God, I wish. Remind me to _never_ let you within a foot of alcohol when we have plans.” Jared sighed, flopping down on the bed. “'I know what I'm doing, Jared’, 'just focus on the brownies, Jared,’ 'I’ve only had a couple sips, Jared,’” Jared mocked Evan's words from the previous night. “One minute I'm mixing batter and the next I’m having to comfort you because you start crying over me not letting you 'sex me up’.”

“Okay, first of all, that sounds fake.” Evan stretched a little. “Second, we have brownies?”

Jared gave his husband a blank look. He sat back up, grabbing his phone then swiftly punching in a number and putting it on speaker. The tinny ringing sound blared around them for a little while before someone picked up with a smug sounding “Hello?”

Jared looked Evan dead in the eyes. “Hey, Heidi, it's Jared. Quick question, would you mind quickly recounting some of the events of last night's family dinner real quick?”

Evan squeaked, but waited for his mother to disprove his husband’s lies. 

Heidi laughed over the phone. “Is Evan there?” She assumed he was. “He certainly was drunk as a sailor. I think he wanted to sex you up?”

“ _MOM_!” Evan exclaimed, at a loss for words. 

Heidi laughed again. “I hope you get over your hangover, dear. Jared had to feed you. You looked pitiful.”

Jared's eyes narrowed, still maintaining contact with his husband's. “Thanks, Heidi. Sorry you had to go so soon. We can talk later about having you over again sometime, yeah?”

“Of course! I’d love to come by when Evan isn’t out of his mind.” The boys could hear her smirk through the line. 

Evan gulped, saying a quick “Love you, mom, bye!” before reaching over and disconnecting the call. “What the hell?!”

“Told you!”

“I don’t remember any of that! Should I know anything else?! I didn’t max out our credit card, did I?!” Evan’s voice was frantic, causing the headache to worsen. He felt pukey. 

Jared grimaced. “You tried to give me a handy under the table.”

“I _what_?!” Evan was suddenly aware again that he wasn’t wearing anything. “Wait-”

Jared nodded solemnly. “Wine not only makes you emotional, but _incredibly horny_ as well, apparently. You got sad when I said I wouldn't take advantage of you while intoxicated. You weren't even wearing pants anymore when you came out from under the table, like, when the _fuck_ did you take them off?!”

Evan threw his arms up. “You think I know?!” He was incredibly red. “What was I even doing down there?!” He didn’t want to make a comment about the taking advantage thing.

“Trying to give me a fucking handy while I tried to be a decent host to your mother. You dropped your fork, and I guess you got some brighter ideas while you were down there.”

“Jesus Christ.” Evan buried his face in his hands. “I want to die.”

Jared couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. “I guess the shower quicky wasn't enough for you, because you went fucking _hard_ last night.”

Evan’s eyes shot up, intense. “What are you talking about?”

Jared reddened slightly. “Well I didn't want to do anything to you, since you were drunk, but I didn't want you to be upset about not getting off, so I said you could do whatever you wanted to me and I wouldn't touch you. I _thought_ you would just stick to school boy rutting, but apparently you had very different plans.”

“What are you _talking_ about?” Evan had done...things...to Jared last night? What did Drunk Evan even want to do? 

Jared quirked an eyebrow at him. “Do you really want to know?”

“Maybe put it in writing and I’ll read it alone later.”

Jared snorted. “Looking for some new jack off material, huh?”

“That’s what I have you for, Jared.”

Jared pushed himself to his feet, stretching out his back so hard his shirt lifted slightly. “Mm, apparently I don't even have to do anything. I'm like a sex doll now.”

“Don’t say that,” Evan pleaded. “I love you.” He coughed. “No chance you’ll just forget yesterday, is there?”

“Definitely not. _Especially_ the nighttime events. I didn't know it was possible to have that much stamina. Or to nut that many times.” He paused. “Maybe we should get drunk more often.”

“ _No_.” Evan was adamant. If they were going to engage in those kinds of activities, he wanted to remember them. “I think this whole thing has scared me out of my honeymoon mode.”

Jared smirked at him. “Well that's a shame, because you have quite the expectations to live up to now. You raised your own bar. Played yourself.” He turned, heading towards the door. “Five times, Evan. Just let that sink in.”

“Five– Oh my god.” Evan’s face went red again. He didn’t think that was possible. 

Jared nodded solemnly. “And that was just your hands and mouth.”

Evan didn’t want to know the rest. At least, not now. He could ask Jared about it later. If he built up the courage. “I’m gonna throw up.”

Jared winced, grabbing their small trash can that they kept in the room and handing it to Evan. He grimaced, remembering that Evan probably feels unimaginably shit right now. He walked back over, sitting next to him on the bed and rubbing his back.

Evan promptly puked into the trash can. “Th-Thanks.” His voice was lower and raspier. “Ugh.”

Jared just nodded, speaking softly. “I was kidding, y’know. You don't actually have to do as much as you did last night. I think I almost died at one point.”

“Please don’t die during sex, babe,” Evan said before vomiting again. 

Jared winced sympathetically again, standing up to go grab some sweat pants for Evan. “Want me to get you some more water?”

Evan only nodded, stuffing his face into the trash bin again. 

Jared did just that, returning moments later, refilled glass in hand. “Here. You still feeling pukey, or is it any better yet?”

Evan took the glass. “Pukey.”

Jared sat beside his to run his fingers through Evan's hair soothingly. “Sorry. Just gotta get it out of your system, I guess.”

“I feel disgusting.” Evan sipped on the water. “You owe me some cuddling.”

Jared smiled. “Only if you promise not to puke on me.”

“Unlikely.” Evan threw up again. 

Jared chuckled softly. “No more wine for you.”

“I don’t wanna be anywhere near it.”


End file.
